Breakthrough or Breakdown?

Today is day 12. A dozen days of creating sacred space amidst the chaos of my days. 

• A dozen days of getting out of bed before my kids and settling into the chair with my latte, candle, mandala and bible. 
• A dozen days of trying to vacate the busyness of my mind and inviting Christ to dwell within me. 
• A dozen days of fervent prayers for friends, family, community and our world. 
• A dozen days of being tired by lunchtime and having to concentrate to keep my eyes open in the late afternoon. 
• A dozen days of wishing I could crawl in bed at 7 and sleep.(which I have done few times these past 12 days). 
• A dozen days of waiting in anticipation for His presence to fill me; for my ears to hear Him call to me, to direct me. 

On my cheeks, I can still feel the salty film left from the evaporated tears that poured out of me this morning. Was I overwhelmed by the acknowledgement that Christ does forgive me and wants to dwell within me and to guide me to live His kingdom here on earth? Or was I having a breakdown as a result of being so tired from waking up early, so weary from a tense relationship, so regretful for my impatience and crabby behavior toward my kids last night, and so determined to acclimate my body to a new diet regimen? 

As I reflect on this morning's sacred space and the flood that evacuated my soul, I wonder was this a breakthrough or a breakdown? Perhaps, they are one in the same. Perhaps, I need to empty my mind, my heart, and let the floodgates open to allow Christ to enter in. 

I'm connecting this breakdown breakthrough to a particularly psychologically draining relationship I am experiencing. She came into my life in August and will be a daily presence until the end of June. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since she arrived. My hopes and expectations of how I planned our relationship to develop were quickly dashed. Our personalities, values and lifestyle are so different, and it bothers me. A lot. 

Then last night, she was engaging! She participated in our casual family conversations. She talked about joining the badminton team, she asked my advice in how to approach a cute boy. It was as if we were....family. This was the mundane existence I had hoped for. The every day, casual interactions, experiencing life together. I encouraged her to go for it with badminton; what a great way to be active, have fun and meet people. I offered my suggestions regarding the boy. And she took a suggestion added her own twist and went for it.

I've never thought of myself as conceited and self-centered, but I realize that I have been. Why do I think my personality, values and behaviors are superior? Why have I not been able to love her more? Lord, forgive me for not accepting her for who she is; your child, a bright, caring, compassionate, creative and sensitive child. Forgive me for being irked that our relationship is not what I wished it would be. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

I've decided to consider it a breakthrough, after all I heard Christ call for me to: 

Acknowledge that my heart needs to soften in this relationship. Start fresh with a new perspective. Accept that while this won't be the relationship I hoped for, it may the relationship we both need.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2: 3-4

I know the roller coaster will continue, but through the ups and downs, I pray I will grow in faith and in my ability to accept, tolerate and love those who are different from me. Not better, Not worse, just different.