Breakthrough or Breakdown?

Today is day 12. A dozen days of creating sacred space amidst the chaos of my days. 

• A dozen days of getting out of bed before my kids and settling into the chair with my latte, candle, mandala and bible. 
• A dozen days of trying to vacate the busyness of my mind and inviting Christ to dwell within me. 
• A dozen days of fervent prayers for friends, family, community and our world. 
• A dozen days of being tired by lunchtime and having to concentrate to keep my eyes open in the late afternoon. 
• A dozen days of wishing I could crawl in bed at 7 and sleep.(which I have done few times these past 12 days). 
• A dozen days of waiting in anticipation for His presence to fill me; for my ears to hear Him call to me, to direct me. 

On my cheeks, I can still feel the salty film left from the evaporated tears that poured out of me this morning. Was I overwhelmed by the acknowledgement that Christ does forgive me and wants to dwell within me and to guide me to live His kingdom here on earth? Or was I having a breakdown as a result of being so tired from waking up early, so weary from a tense relationship, so regretful for my impatience and crabby behavior toward my kids last night, and so determined to acclimate my body to a new diet regimen? 

As I reflect on this morning's sacred space and the flood that evacuated my soul, I wonder was this a breakthrough or a breakdown? Perhaps, they are one in the same. Perhaps, I need to empty my mind, my heart, and let the floodgates open to allow Christ to enter in. 

I'm connecting this breakdown breakthrough to a particularly psychologically draining relationship I am experiencing. She came into my life in August and will be a daily presence until the end of June. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since she arrived. My hopes and expectations of how I planned our relationship to develop were quickly dashed. Our personalities, values and lifestyle are so different, and it bothers me. A lot. 

Then last night, she was engaging! She participated in our casual family conversations. She talked about joining the badminton team, she asked my advice in how to approach a cute boy. It was as if we were....family. This was the mundane existence I had hoped for. The every day, casual interactions, experiencing life together. I encouraged her to go for it with badminton; what a great way to be active, have fun and meet people. I offered my suggestions regarding the boy. And she took a suggestion added her own twist and went for it.

I've never thought of myself as conceited and self-centered, but I realize that I have been. Why do I think my personality, values and behaviors are superior? Why have I not been able to love her more? Lord, forgive me for not accepting her for who she is; your child, a bright, caring, compassionate, creative and sensitive child. Forgive me for being irked that our relationship is not what I wished it would be. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

I've decided to consider it a breakthrough, after all I heard Christ call for me to: 

Acknowledge that my heart needs to soften in this relationship. Start fresh with a new perspective. Accept that while this won't be the relationship I hoped for, it may the relationship we both need.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2: 3-4

I know the roller coaster will continue, but through the ups and downs, I pray I will grow in faith and in my ability to accept, tolerate and love those who are different from me. Not better, Not worse, just different.

Thank Goodness for the Flame

Day 5. So far so good, but I'm noticing that it's getting harder to awaken in the morning, and it's getting harder to not fall asleep as I pray with Will at night. Yet, I persevere.

I informed my kids about my commitment to creating sacred silence each morning. I explained how I will light a candle as I enter this space, and if they see me sitting in silence with a lit candle at my side, they should respect the silence and leave me be.  Of course, there are exceptions such as if they are on fire or bleeding, and only if Dad's not home.

This was put to the test yesterday. Just after 6am, I was about halfway through my mandala when Will came downstairs.  I could see in my peripheral vision that he entered the kitchen. He glanced my way and then settled in to work on the puzzle. I resisted the urge to even say 'good morning'. In the next 15 minutes as I continued to pray, focus on the mandala and attempt to vacate my busy mind, Will was getting antsy. He stood up from the puzzle table, glance my way with a huge sigh, then slumped into a chair in the kitchen, directly in my line of sight. I focused on my breath prayer and repeated, "Lord Jesus Christ, dwell within me."

Will grew even more restless. Stood up, with a bit more sound and stomping than necessary, glanced my way (even in my peripheral vision I saw the eye roll), gave a huge sigh, and sat back down. I was secretly enjoying this sparring, but I made quicker strokes with my pencil and completed the mandala and prayers. I blew out the candle and simultaneously heard Will, "Finally! You said your goal is 10 minutes. Not 45!"

I thanked Will for honoring my sacred space, and quietly thanked the flame for announcing this time apart.

On My Own

My hubby is out of town. He left early this morning, just after I arose. So, here I sit at 10pm with no accountability partner to encourage me to shut down and go to bed. And, worse yet, no one to back up my "Just In Case" alarm in the morning.


To make it more difficult, I'm being tempted,,,, drawn..., coaxed to join the flurry of virtual activity on Facebook surrounding the planning of my 25th High School reunion. I've read through the posts of familiar names, commented here and there and made my own post as well. These names bring me back all the way to kindergarten. Surely it's not a bad thing to re-connect with the pals I romped around with at Field Park. Those who saw me through the Letter People, the multiplication table, my first crush, my first time 'going steady' and the humiliation of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance solo when I was caught chewing gum in Mr. Cordes' class.  


However, I have so greatly enjoyed the sacred space I've created each of the past three mornings, and my desire to visit that place again will be enough to enable me to resist the temptation to reminisce virtually and will motivate me to get out of bed. Maybe even before my "Just In Case" alarm goes off.