Will They Hold Me Accountable?

Back in early February as a result of participating in UMCG's Women's Retreat, I began a journey to "Create Sacred Space in the Chaos."  Here's an excerpt from my initial post about my 'Call to Action'. 

As part of the offering, we wrote down one commitment we will make in response to the weekend's retreat. I wrote, "I will commit to 10 minutes of silent prayer and reflection each morning and will write a daily reflection on how my journey toward creating this new habit of sacred space is going."  I know 10 minutes seems trivial, but the small step is by design; in part so I don't get overwhelmed, so I'll never find an excuse not to take the 10 minute retreat into sacred space, and so I can enjoy some success in acheiving my goal.

"Never find an excuse"? Boy did I underestimate myself. I did remarkably well up until spring break. You'd think being on vacation would allow for more time of devotion and reflection, yet somehow I let it drift. And, I've not gotten back into the groove yet. 

I had visions of participating in next January's Women's Retreat and sharing my story of growing in grace through my daily discipline of spending time in scripture, prayer and quiet listening for God's message to me. Instead, I will have to confess my failure and share how I am a broken person who can not live up to God's standards.

Fortunately, through Jesus Christ, we are forgiven. So, I will also share that months after my lapse, I decided to re-commit to this daily ritual, daily discipline, daily practice to create sacred space in the chaos. And to anyone who will listen, I will share that God's grace is good and given freely, even when I don't follow all the rules. 

Breakthrough or Breakdown?

Today is day 12. A dozen days of creating sacred space amidst the chaos of my days. 

• A dozen days of getting out of bed before my kids and settling into the chair with my latte, candle, mandala and bible. 
• A dozen days of trying to vacate the busyness of my mind and inviting Christ to dwell within me. 
• A dozen days of fervent prayers for friends, family, community and our world. 
• A dozen days of being tired by lunchtime and having to concentrate to keep my eyes open in the late afternoon. 
• A dozen days of wishing I could crawl in bed at 7 and sleep.(which I have done few times these past 12 days). 
• A dozen days of waiting in anticipation for His presence to fill me; for my ears to hear Him call to me, to direct me. 

On my cheeks, I can still feel the salty film left from the evaporated tears that poured out of me this morning. Was I overwhelmed by the acknowledgement that Christ does forgive me and wants to dwell within me and to guide me to live His kingdom here on earth? Or was I having a breakdown as a result of being so tired from waking up early, so weary from a tense relationship, so regretful for my impatience and crabby behavior toward my kids last night, and so determined to acclimate my body to a new diet regimen? 

As I reflect on this morning's sacred space and the flood that evacuated my soul, I wonder was this a breakthrough or a breakdown? Perhaps, they are one in the same. Perhaps, I need to empty my mind, my heart, and let the floodgates open to allow Christ to enter in. 

I'm connecting this breakdown breakthrough to a particularly psychologically draining relationship I am experiencing. She came into my life in August and will be a daily presence until the end of June. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since she arrived. My hopes and expectations of how I planned our relationship to develop were quickly dashed. Our personalities, values and lifestyle are so different, and it bothers me. A lot. 

Then last night, she was engaging! She participated in our casual family conversations. She talked about joining the badminton team, she asked my advice in how to approach a cute boy. It was as if we were....family. This was the mundane existence I had hoped for. The every day, casual interactions, experiencing life together. I encouraged her to go for it with badminton; what a great way to be active, have fun and meet people. I offered my suggestions regarding the boy. And she took a suggestion added her own twist and went for it.

I've never thought of myself as conceited and self-centered, but I realize that I have been. Why do I think my personality, values and behaviors are superior? Why have I not been able to love her more? Lord, forgive me for not accepting her for who she is; your child, a bright, caring, compassionate, creative and sensitive child. Forgive me for being irked that our relationship is not what I wished it would be. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me.

I've decided to consider it a breakthrough, after all I heard Christ call for me to: 

Acknowledge that my heart needs to soften in this relationship. Start fresh with a new perspective. Accept that while this won't be the relationship I hoped for, it may the relationship we both need.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2: 3-4

I know the roller coaster will continue, but through the ups and downs, I pray I will grow in faith and in my ability to accept, tolerate and love those who are different from me. Not better, Not worse, just different.

Thank Goodness for the Flame

Day 5. So far so good, but I'm noticing that it's getting harder to awaken in the morning, and it's getting harder to not fall asleep as I pray with Will at night. Yet, I persevere.

I informed my kids about my commitment to creating sacred silence each morning. I explained how I will light a candle as I enter this space, and if they see me sitting in silence with a lit candle at my side, they should respect the silence and leave me be.  Of course, there are exceptions such as if they are on fire or bleeding, and only if Dad's not home.

This was put to the test yesterday. Just after 6am, I was about halfway through my mandala when Will came downstairs.  I could see in my peripheral vision that he entered the kitchen. He glanced my way and then settled in to work on the puzzle. I resisted the urge to even say 'good morning'. In the next 15 minutes as I continued to pray, focus on the mandala and attempt to vacate my busy mind, Will was getting antsy. He stood up from the puzzle table, glance my way with a huge sigh, then slumped into a chair in the kitchen, directly in my line of sight. I focused on my breath prayer and repeated, "Lord Jesus Christ, dwell within me."

Will grew even more restless. Stood up, with a bit more sound and stomping than necessary, glanced my way (even in my peripheral vision I saw the eye roll), gave a huge sigh, and sat back down. I was secretly enjoying this sparring, but I made quicker strokes with my pencil and completed the mandala and prayers. I blew out the candle and simultaneously heard Will, "Finally! You said your goal is 10 minutes. Not 45!"

I thanked Will for honoring my sacred space, and quietly thanked the flame for announcing this time apart.

On My Own

My hubby is out of town. He left early this morning, just after I arose. So, here I sit at 10pm with no accountability partner to encourage me to shut down and go to bed. And, worse yet, no one to back up my "Just In Case" alarm in the morning.


To make it more difficult, I'm being tempted,,,, drawn..., coaxed to join the flurry of virtual activity on Facebook surrounding the planning of my 25th High School reunion. I've read through the posts of familiar names, commented here and there and made my own post as well. These names bring me back all the way to kindergarten. Surely it's not a bad thing to re-connect with the pals I romped around with at Field Park. Those who saw me through the Letter People, the multiplication table, my first crush, my first time 'going steady' and the humiliation of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance solo when I was caught chewing gum in Mr. Cordes' class.  


However, I have so greatly enjoyed the sacred space I've created each of the past three mornings, and my desire to visit that place again will be enough to enable me to resist the temptation to reminisce virtually and will motivate me to get out of bed. Maybe even before my "Just In Case" alarm goes off.  

Day 1 of the Journey

I went to bed earlier than usual last night in preparation for my early morning plans.  My hubby's alarm went off at 5:30. I lay in bed a few more minutes and was up by 5:40! Five minutes before my "just in case" alarm. I bundled up to face the morning chill that lasts until the heat kicks in at 6:30. (I'll be adjusting the thermostat program this evening.)


In the kitchen, I got the coffee started, heated and frothed my milk (a Christmas gift from my hubby) and settled in with sharpened colored pencils and a mandala. At 6:15 the sacred space was created, and it was blissful. My husband honored the silence, and at 6:30, quietly kissed me on his way out to door.


Did you notice? FIFTEEN minutes had passed! And I continued to dwell in this sacred space for a total of 30 minutes! Though, I suspect in part because of my need to finish the mandala. 


So what can I say about the silence? Did God speak to me? Was my mind emptied of the chaos and filled with the holy spirit? Not exactly, but remember I'm starting with baby steps as I begin to train this underutilized muscle.


In the silence, I lifted prayers. Prayers for my family, friends and for those unknown to me who are lonely, hungry or sick. I lifted up our church and its ministries. While I tried to vacate my mind, the chaos was persistent. Into my mind came thoughts...my own to do list, a challenging relationship, hopes & fears for my kids, anticipation of our spring break trip, my role as staff person at my church, thinking through how to get our ice rink in skating condition, what to make for dinner, and so on.  Each time worldly thoughts entered in, I began the mantra that one of the women at the retreat offered, "Lord Jesus Christ, Have Mercy on Me".  


All in all, Day 1 was a success. 

A New Habit Takes Time

I just returned from the United Methodist Church of Geneva's Women's Retreat. We spent the weekend discussing and sharing our challenging and victorious experiences with spiritual disciplines such as prayer, reading scripture, fasting and worship. Amidst the conversations, I had an epiphany.

Why not utilize the same discipline that earned me a scholarship to play volleyball in college, to help strengthen my prayer life and develop my relationship with God?

When I first started playing volleyball, I had no control over where the ball went and barely any control over where my body went, and I sat on the bench the entire season. After a year of practice and strengthening my muscles, I developed more control over the ball and played in every game. Four years later and many more hours spent in the gym practicing my skills, strengthening my muscles and building my endurance, I earned a scholarship to play in college. Now, nearly 30 years after I began playing, I still love the game and will take advantage of any opportunity to play. Since I'm out of practice, my skills are not as sharp, my muscles are not as strong, and I tire out more quickly. However, the basic skills are ingrained in my muscle memory and picking up a ball brings back many fond memories.

Just as my volleyball skills took hours of repetitive practice, years of drills, and a huge commitment on my part, my prayer discipline will require nurturing, repetitive practice and commitment. Yet, it will also require a realistic expectation on my part. I can't expect that after a week of 'training', I will be able to clearly identify God's call to me. Also, I must be aware of the downside of overtraining; after all, fatigue, burnout and injury can lead to frustration, slower progress and less joy in the activity. 

At our retreat's closing worship, I heard these words spoken to me. 

"Dear Child, Please don't concern yourself with "Doing" devotions, with reading the right book, with praying the right way or with choosing the right scripture to read. Please just make time for Me. Take time to prayerfully listen; to vacate your mind from the chaos and allow my Spirit to enter into your being. Give Me space to fill you, to love you, to guide you, to share My love through you. In grace, peace and love, your heavenly Father."

Don't misunderstand my interpretation. I believe reading devotional books, praying in a variety of ways and meditating on scripture are valuable, essential disciplines. However, God was speaking to ME today, knowing my innermost heart, desire and capacity at this time. 

As part of the offering, we wrote down one commitment we will make in response to the weekend's retreat. I wrote, "I will commit to 10 minutes of silent prayer and reflection each morning and will write a daily reflection on how my journey toward creating this new habit of sacred space is going."  I know 10 minutes seems trivial, but the small step is by design; in part so I don't get overwhelmed, so I'll never find an excuse not to take the 10 minute retreat into sacred space, and so I can enjoy some success in acheiving my goal.

So tomorrow, I begin a new journey of creating sacred space in the chaos and attempting to vacate my mind in order to make space for God to truly enter. I hope that by next January at the Women's Retreat, I can share my experience of how in 12 months, I created a habit of carving out sacred space each morning. Sacred space where God can enter and fill me. Where I can vacate the chaos from my mind and be in relationship with God.

Thank you to the 2012 UMCG Women's Retreat planning committee and the nearly 40 women who participated. Without your presence in my life, your support, your modeling, your prayers and your encouragement, I wouldn't be able to attempt this.